Sunday, January 31, 2010

What do I listen to.. my head or heart..

Ever since the first time me my ex hung out after bowling, I knew I was hooked. He came over the next night after bowling and gave me a full body massage since I was really stressed out and he claimed he was awesome (which he was). Very rarely I let people help me relax cuz I'm mostly tense, but with him it's different. We end up dating before I left home for summer (we met at school) and he claims that he was only interested in the physical relationship since I am a virgin (proud of it too!). We started dating around middle of April and Memorial Day he broke up with saying how he was so stressed out with work and not being with me was really hard on him. We faught practically the whole summer.. it got bad since we couldn't see each other and all our talking was basically through text. We agreed to let things happen and be friends and see what happened when I got back to school.

Throughout the whole summer all I wanted to do was be with him. I never felt this way about anyone in my entire life or missed someone as much as I do whenever I'm not with him.

Over the course of the semester we get better and more understanding of how we feel about each other and what kind of relationship we wanted; we became more open and honest as we grew closer as friends. At this point, I grow more complicated but great feelings for him because I wanted him to be my "first" but I would only do that if we were in a relationship.

Last week we have a breakthrough and he calls me after bickering through text and he's talking for about 45 mins about how busy he his with work and trying to make time for everybody, especially me. He said that there's not a day goes by that he doesn't think about and how much he misses me. But he won't commit because he's afraid of not having the time and disappoint me.

He's been a jerk many times before and I've gotten to know him really well. His personality is like that of Luke, from Gilmore Girls (easiest way to describe him). No matter how much I tell myself to get over him and not to wait around, my heart just wants him even more. I fall asleep in his arms almost immediatley and he makes me feel a certain way about myself no one else has. I know going back with him will be complicated, but it's what I really want. But since he doesn't want the same thing, how can I stop loving him? I've given up on trying to get over him because I've tried everything and I always end up talking to him again. It feels wierd when we don't talk all day; like something's missing.

What should I do? It's been exhausting and I have other priorities (tough semester and my sister's wedding this spring) but he always creeps up because when I'm with him, it seems like everything that matters to me will work itself out (including us). I am really at a loss as to if I should keep loving him or leave him alone for good.

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